True story, I've known at several points in my marriage that I really struck gold, but there is one memory forever lodged in my brain that I pray I'll never forget. It's a huge reason why we work well together and also why I don't completely fall apart.
It was the day I discovered that I was pregnant with our second child. My husband was cooking us lunch (he's the Chef, so duh he's a keeper!) and our seven month old son was napping. I saw those two straight lines on the Clearblue© test and a string of profanity escaped my mouth. I couldn't hold them in, just like I couldn't hold back the tears. I was terrified, panicked, feeling significantly inadequate and I screamed for him to come. 'What the (insert word of choice here) are we going to DO?!" I cried. Do you want to know what that man did?
He bent down, while his wife of five years still sat on the toilet, kissed the top of my head, and said, 'We're going to have a BABY!' as he beamed from ear to ear.
Was he panicking inside? Sure, a little. But he held it together, unlike me. He was the first to text our family (my brother thought it was a joke...) and he sat next to me as I called my mother crying. Maybe you think, "Well he probably wants a dozen babies so that's why he was so excited." He doesn't. WE don't (ha). He is steadfast in his reliance on our God and he's so stable. He didn't take the road of doubt, wondering how raising two children fifteen months apart from one another would turn out, he just believed.
When you ask your friends, 'How long have you been married?' what is the number in your head that represents "a long time?" Seven years may not sound like a lot, but now that I'm here, in that year, it sounds like a significant length of time to be a wife. I have a lot to learn, but man have we endured a lot over these years! One thing stays present though as time passes on. One thing that only gets better, more loving and more gracious: him.
Over our Christmas break this year, he and I sat in the living room drinking tea and talking quietly by the soft glow of our tree. Our kids go to bed around eight o'clock and while many nights I need to edit photos or work on blogging assignments, we make an effort to often just chill. (Who knew that having a full-length conversation when you are with your toddlers is almost impossible?! Between the, 'Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom--look!' and the 'Dad, Dad, Dad, Daddy!' discussing life goals and where we are at inwardly just ends up having to wait.) We were talking about how magical it had been with our kids and how their delight in all things Christmas had been so energizing. I started to say something like, "I can't wait to stay home with the kids before Pierson (our son) goes to Kindergarten," and in my head, I pictured that being another few years away. (My kids don't age in my heart; or at least I'm in denial that they do...) My husband quickly said, "Ash, next year is his last year at home before he starts school."
Um. What?! When our son was born I would romantically envision staying home with him at some point after maternity leave. "Oh my gosh," I said. "I have to quit my job." His response? It brought me straight back to my bathroom memory--his eyes staring dead into mine, his firm but gentle voice reassuring me that though I may not have it altogether, he does. He looked at me and said, "Alright, let's figure that out!"
From there the planning continued. I would never be able to take time off from teaching if I didn't have other paid hobbies (photography + writing), so we've been intentionally saving money and praying, a LOT. The fact is though, he's never faltered. While I'm the Dreamer and he's much more of a Realist, we balance each other out. I tend to feel emotions tenfold, and often I emotionally throw-up because I don't know how to process otherwise; he is so good at talking me through those moments, helping me breathe and think more steadily. If you asked him though, he would tell you he doesn't see six inches past his face. In other words, he plans what's for dinner tomorrow night and I'm scheming our horse farm. It doesn't mean we are completely opposite, it just means we need each other.
There's a give and a take, a push and a pull. He cooks, I clean much more thoroughly. I would like to say we rotate with laundry, but the truth is, we both hate it and end up doing thirty loads together ;) When I'm at my breaking point with the kids, he jumps right in and vice versa. He is super kinesthetic and loves to work with his hands, while I am more artistic and enjoy creating things. Getting muddy with the kids is right up his alley, while I prefer to paint.
Before I got married, I never thought men like my husband existed. I was never treated (in relationships) the way that he treats me. I remember my Ex took me to watch My Friend Flicka in the theatre. I sat there and ugly girl cried through the ENTIRE thing. I've always been that way--you show me a horse movie, I am GOING to cry. It's what my heart beats for, dreaming of having my own will eternally be my happy place. But it annoyed him. "You are WAY too emotional," he said. Soon, I said a loud, 'Buh-BYE' to that relationship and shortly after, met my husband. I know you would love to hear another embrarassing moment of truth: HE took me to see Step Up in the theatre and there too, I began to openly weep. THIS time, because a character in it reminded me of my childhood best guy friend! (Justin, this one's for you, Mr. Blue Glasses, spiky hair kid!) Instead of calling me over emotional (or getting offended because it was a guy friend that I missed!), my husband put his arm around my shoulder and loved me anyway. I remember thanking him when we left, for not calling me overly emotional or pushing me away!
I hope that from this you are either thinking of the many ways you and your spouse compliment each other, or you are inspired to find the right Godly man that God has in store for you. (Or you're thinking, "My Lord, this girl is crazy!" and that's okay too! No matter what happens, at the end of the day, I know who I am coming home to and good golly, my heart is in love!
I choose him day in and day out and thank God he has chosen me too. To Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre said, “I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blessed—blessed beyond what language can express; because I am my husband’s life as fully as he is mine.” So right was she, that a husband and wife should compliment one another with their attributes. For the man to love his wife so truly and for the wife to love her husband so fondly.
Balance. It's essential and so vital to a happy and healthy marriage. If my husband said, "Okay let's go do that!" to EVERY dream I had? We would be so poor. And not very happy. And if I didn't help him see the possibilities that exist within certain goals, he may not be excited to dream with me.
What is one word of advice you could offer to couples? What gives and takes exist in your relationships? Focusing on the good, in what ways do you compliment one another? I would love to hear from you in the comments below or shoot me an e-mail to ashleyglassphotography {at} gmail.com
