Thirty Things to be Inspired By: Practicing Mindfulness

In 2016 I launched this blog and when I did, I had zero expectations. But the more traction the blog got, the more views, the more followers it led to on Instagram, the more I was inspired by it. I was inspired to create more and do more and make more and be more.

Recently while I was doing my early morning walk with my Golden Girls (our dogs), I looked around listened. It was pitch dark except for the glow of a full moon, and the neighborhood was completely still. I listened to my breaths and inhaled and exhaled deeply, paying close attention to the rhythm and release of tension. Life is more than a screen. It is more than numbers on Instagram; than likes, followers, engagement, and data. It is more than hustling, than always being busy. Life is so much more, and maybe you could use that reminder too. I’ve forgotten to be inspired by the things that matter. This is a simple little post reminding myself of some things I love so much:

-The first sip of coffee in the morning
-Quiet morning walks with my Golden Retrievers
-A purring cat sleeping on my chest
-Scented candles, specifically seasonal ones: pumpkin in Autumn, gingerbread in Winter, lemon and clean scents in Summer, and all things floral in Spring
-Fuzzy socks, all the sweatpants, and baggy sweatshirts (oh, and after work when the bra comes off) ;)
-Cuddling our puppy Emma, or really any and all Golden Retrievers
-Sleepytime Tea or Lavender blends
-The biggest and thickets blankets you can find
-Being held by my husband to fall asleep at night. He doesn’t like my cold feet but he takes one for the team and big spoons me anyway
-Currently binge watching: Veronica Mars
-Riding my horses through open fields being completely quiet; remembering how blessed I am to have the things that I used to pray the most for
-Journaling when I make that happen
-Reading a good book, when I can make that happen
-My kids’ laughter, their giant hugs, when they call me Mama
-Walking with my husband and the dogs
-Watching our kids ride their bikes and feeling my heart swell with SUCH pride
-Holidays: Christmas and Halloween are my current favorites with the kids
-Fall, and the beauty and crispness that makes it such a nostalgic season
-Our wood fireplace
-Warm chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies
-Peanut Butter Pie
-All things Italian
-Fancy cheeses and charcuterie boards (clearly I’m hungry….)
-Dreaming of our future, even though I have no clue what it looks like or entails
-2 story farmhouses, and how I won’t ever stop dreaming for one of my own
-Front porches, I miss ours
-Porch swings, I miss ours
-Hand written letters and cards
-Kind words
-Bedtime with my kids; tickling backs and listening to quiet lullaby music
-Praying with my kids
-Going on dates with my husband
-Printed photographs and reminiscing days gone by
-Taking photos of other people and helping families/individuals freeze memories
-Loving women and connecting with women around the world
-Friends who stay (the ones that pursue even in the busy seasons, the ones that love you in spite of everything they know about you)
-God, even if I can’t grasp just how big and good He truly is (Psalm 147:5 “Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure..”)

What about for you? What do you need to reflect on and remember that you love? Y ’all, the days are busy and they are also fleeting. I can be frustrated about many things, but I’m going to blink and wonder where the days went because I already do that—how were my kids ever babies, how are we where we are in life? There is so much goodness surrounding all of us, even amongst a lot of difficulties. I encourage you to take some time to write down or mentally reflect on the things that make you smile, of the reasons that you too, are blessed.

Happy new week, Friends. Send me a message if you want to connect, you always have a friend here!

Life Lately as a Horsewoman: Still Trusting

I’M IN A FUNK.

You’ve been there I’m sure. When you have a lot of things going on mentally and it’s all filling up your head space, and you are consumed by what ifs, questions, and the worry of unknowns?

I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety or anything for that matter, but I know for a fact I struggle with anxiety—especially when circumstances arise that are out of my control. This week I have worried about our dog’s toenail healing properly, personal family matters, and my horse, Paddy. Lately what I think about 90% of the time, is worrying about and for Paddy. (I also realize that my largest concerns are with our animals, so actually having a ZOO may not be the BEST for my life? Buuuuut that’s my reality, so on we go.)

I started a blog post LAST August that I actually never published. In that post I was so worried because Paddy at that point was exhibiting stallion like behavior (I.e. charging at us and kicking my husband), and we knew we were going to have to move him to my trainer’s farm. I remember last summer worrying that I wouldn’t ever be able to ride him without fear, and it absolutely amazes me that this summer is completely different. Not to mention he is back to his normal self at my trainer’s, happy as a clam with other geldings, and he’s had ZERO behavior issues! I hopped on him the other day and rode him down the long driveway; no other horse to accompany him, and NO fear was to be had on my end. Once I got him in the arena though, I tried to trot him and realized something ELSE: he just isn’t fun for me to ride.

I feel so cold saying that out loud, but it’s the truth. There is something wrong in his hind end, and there are a ton of things that it “could” be. He has been working with my trainer for over a year now, and he just isn’t making any improvement as far as moving forward and using his body. EPM is the first worry, and there are SO many expenses to consider when diagnosing and treating. Maybe he needs a chiropractor and there’s something slipped in regards to a disc or something (completely a GUESS). Maybe he’s hurting and I don’t know it and he needs injections somewhere like hocks or stifles. (MORE MONEY.) There’s a lot. When he trots he feels like his backend is left 50 feet behind, and it is so hard to get into a smooth posting trot; it’s just not fun. He does fine at the walk, and yesterday when riding with a friend, she said, “He would make a great trail horse!” And maybe he would?! We’ve never tried him on trails, but maybe that’s actually something he would enjoy. Maybe I’ve had it all wrong from the beginning and my expectations have just been too high. And maybe somehow and some way, the Vet who is coming out on Thursday can help me find actual SOLID answers, and he WILL become a comfortable mount to ride. But maybe not.

All the while, expenses add up, and we continue to do the guessing game. I often wonder, “Will I be able to afford board this month” and spending money monthly on a horse to ride who I don’t really enjoy riding; does that even make sense? I LOVE Paddy. Genuinely I have more of an emotional connection with Paddy than I probably will ANY horse, because he is my first horse. I wanted one since I was in kindergarten and well, he just happened! From that unpublished blog post, I had written this:

As I have written, I've hesitated to be honest. You see, I am very much a people pleaser and I have always cared (too much) about what others are thinking--especially the ones I look up to. My wonderful friend Lauren recently said this: "Ashley, there is NO point in even allowing yourself to think that Paddy should have gone to someone more experienced, or that you should have gotten an older/more experienced horse. That is pointless, because it is what it is. You have Paddy, and he is part of your story." He has been with us for almost five months, and a LOT has happened in such a short amount of time. Paddy is my heart, and he always will be. And I am praying that instead of claiming this as a failure, I can continue to peacefully turn the pages of our book and patiently await the ones to come.

It’s now been a year and three months and while it is upsetting to me that I still don’t KNOW, it’s clear to me that God is STILL saying, “Just trust.” The biggest thing I have struggled with on this journey has been patience, trust, and faith. I’m 99% sure it’s not horses that stress you out, but if you ARE a horse person reading this, you may have been there and can relate. And if you’re not, I’m sure there are other areas that you struggle with, and relinquishing control of the unknown is equally as trying.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

“Be still and know that I am God.” -Psalm 46:10

My prayer? My prayer is that if I am not Paddy’s forever person, the Lord Himself would bring him or her to my attention. Ultimately, His will be done; that goes for our future as a whole. Maybe God wants us to have land and our own horses on our hypothetical someday land, and maybe He doesn’t? Maybe I’ll be a teacher for thirty years and retire as one, maybe I won’t? I can try to line up all my ducks in a row and try to live my life exactly as I personally think it should be, but at the end of the day, my Creator knows.

Your Past Could Save Someone's Future

Immediately following sharing my own personal story at our church service recently, I was browsing Pinterest and saw this quote:

“Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past, so it doesn’t become their future.” -John Acuff

WHOA, I thought. That’s DEEP.

I am hoping to share here soon what I talked about to our church, but I am still praying about the right timing. Nonetheless, prior to me getting on stage with my husband, I was pretty nervous that there would be no way I would have the words to say in front of a BUNCH of people sitting silently, especially because the lights at our church are SUPER bright and it feels like a total spotlight. Asa and I prayed beforehand that it would be the Lord’s words, not our own, that came to surface. Needless to say I was completely in awe that I did just fine. I was a little nervous? But not too bad deep down. I didn’t stutter, choke, or even tear up; the words just flowed. After it ended, a gal holding her baby approached me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “I can’t say more than thank you because I’ll just cry harder. So thank you.” I got her name and told her to please find me and talk with me if she felt she could. Then a few more women hugged me and encouraged me. One said, “I felt this was your first time sharing your story but I need to tell you that it shouldn’t be your last.”

So the thing is, with that quote above, we all have a story. Yours might not be that you had an affair, or were an alcoholic, or that you’re addicted to porn. But it’s still important! When a friend told me that she was currently dealing with what I did in my past, I almost started to cry.

“RUN!!!!!” is what I wanted to yell. But we were actually IN church when she told me and well, that would have been weird. If there is ANY way at all that I can spare another woman going through what I did; what I put my FAMILY through, oh friends I would. Do you have something that you wish could help someone be free? It took five years for me to fully heal. To feel okay with friends and family knowing some of my dirty laundry. The fact I was able to share openly in a congregation is 1000% because of the Lord and His healing. You might be thinking, “Ashley, I am not sharing my baggage, in a CHURCH…” But you don’t have to. I am just asking you to be open—if you have a friend or even acquaintance who you think NEEDS to hear your story? Be open to it.

And if you’re NOT there yet, trust the wait. Never in a thousand years did I think I would share the way that I have. Asa’s MOM, his sister, and his brother’s wife all sat in the front row. Stories are hard. Pain, suffering, guilt, shame—all very real things that make us want to be quiet and hush.

Brené Brown said it like this: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do,” and I agree SO much! Your worst chapters might be someone else's freedom. Twenty-year old Ashley got married QUICK and never thought she would really stumble. But twenty-five year old Ashley took a swing and a giant miss at that naive assumption. I don’t have it all figured out now, and you know what, sharing my story is still scary. To me there are a lot of factors; things that can go right and lots of people I can help with it, but there’s also things that can go wrong I am sure. I know that you give Satan an inch and he’s gonna take a mile—but I also know that stories where it is proof that we are HUMAN, are most often the very ones apt to change someone else’s life.

Quote by: author John Acuff