No Half Truths. Marriage is Hard. Period.

Marriage.

A topic you all know I am super passionate about, and one that I absolutely love sharing about WITH you. I have a question for you though before I dive in:

What means the most to you when you are following someone you admire on Instagram or social channels? What type of person are you drawn to, inspired by, strive to be a LITTLE like in your own journey here on Earth.

For ME, I am drawn to people who tell the truth. I love funny people, because who doesn’t like to laugh? I love when someone I admire can share their realness, their raw struggles, and when they can offer a glimmer of hope to a situation I am personally walking through. So let me tell you when I recently discovered that a favorite famous couple of mine is DIVORCING…after ENDLESS time listening to their podcasts, reading their books, and supposedly learning from them on how to make MY marriage even greater…

I WAS TICKED.

I’m not here to judge anyone and I am not here to judge relationships, period. I believe everyone’s situation is very unique; sometimes a marriage isn’t safe to stay in. Some are toxic, dangerous, and often if there is betrayal by one, a couple cannot move forward and separating is truly what is best for THEM. Your story is your story, do not feel I am judging you, there is no space for that in this blog.

But when a public figure is literally writing books and putting out podcasts on how GREAT their marriage is or was, and that is entirely NOT the truth…well, I’ve been a little miffed. Honest to goodness, one of the podcasts was called ‘Keeping Your Relationship Strong During Quarantine,” Guys. Just a few months later on June 8th it was announced that their ‘journey as a married couple was ending….’ and that they had ‘worked endlessly over the last three years to make this work…’

WHY WAS IT NEVER TALKED ABOUT!?!

I totally get that a LOT of people don’t want to air their dirty laundry. And you don’t HAVE to!! But when you are literally building an EMPIRE and making millions of dollars from your advice on having a healthy marriage…it’s just not right. It’s a bummer, a let down, a total disappointment, and honestly feels like a slap in the face. What happened?! When did the struggle start?! WHY did it start? Was there ever any hope? What was done to try to fix it? Was it none of my business (perhaps…?!?) As far as I knew, I wasn’t following a fictional public speaker, y’all. The podcasts weren’t supposed to be made up or fictional STORIES—they were all ‘real life!’ All along, I thought they were so authentic, tried and true transparent, admirable, trustworthy, and honest with their audience.

Or were they?

I think it’s obvious I’m still a little hurt. I don’t have ill intent for their lives, or for their future relationships. I am just missing the truth. And honestly I am kind of regretting how much time I listened to their podcasts whenever I’ve spent long hours in the car; I’m sure they’ve loved each other. I am positive of it. But why not just be honest with the community you have built…struggles are real. Marriage is hard. Sometimes we all may want to walk away. And that doesn’t make you bad or less than or inferior. It just makes you HUMAN.

Do YOU know it is okay to be HUMAN? Are you sure you fully believe that? I believe I am a sinner saved by grace and the blood of Jesus. When I almost walked away from MY marriage in 2014, I felt shame, disgust, guilt, and even hatred for myself. I kept quiet for YEARS. Hardly anyone knew, and even those who were the closest to me only knew bits and pieces. But in 2019 the Lord put it on BOTH Asa and I’s heart to share that story and those chapters of our lives.

NOW our story very much looks like losing our mind some days parenting…feeling stressed by our diabetic cat…figuring out schedules of horses and barn time…figuring out schedules and routine as a family…Some days it’s hard to have sex (gasp), to not be overly tired, to turn off work mode (for me) and I could really go on. We have very much moved past giant obstacles of being in a marriage, but by no means does that mean our days are easy breezy ;)

Instagram had become a place where I naturally wanted to empower and uplift women. I have used it as a space for transparency for many years, where I am okay talking about my struggles and hardships and where I try to offer hope and encouragement to those who a part of my ‘tribe.’ In 2019 I wrote that blog post, prayed over it, released it into the vast world wide web and I continue to pray over it. Countless couples have emailed me or messaged through Instagram and it was such a huge eye opener of how many people have struggled in the ways that I have.

Asa and I’s story is not your story; it is not anyone’s exact story. And I think the fact that we all have stories of our own is a beautiful thing. How much could we learn from one another if we were willing to be a little transparent? We struggled through the sadness and grief that year and I am humbled by the grace, restoration, and redemption we found in our marriage. Quarantine has been good for us too. Honestly we haven’t really had any fights (I know, it’s insane…) and I want to remind you, that does NOT mean we are perfect!! That means we are finding a good flow with our relationship; we have learned to listen to each other so much better these past almost 12 years, and we have been very good to take deep breaths and THINK before we speak too much (especially when one of us is overly stressed or irritated.)

I pray you have good people around you—someone you can confide in and be real with. I don’t expect you all to start a blog and write about the hardships in your lives. Sharing in the way that I share isn’t for everyone :) But I do it with the pursuit of offering you some hope. Marriage is hard. It’s messy and full of tears and lots of cuss words; and it is also beautiful. My biggest take away from my rant above about the couple who divorced, is that it is so important not to idolize ANYONE. We can be disappointed (clearly I’ve felt it), but let’s just be mindful of the information we take in. The biggest reason for me that I feel deceived, is because they were selling me, their reader and listener and viewer, their authentic marriage that just wasn’t really authentic much at all.

What’s your take away on this? What are you learning or have you learned throughout your married (or dating or single!) years? I’d love to hear from you, make sure to comment or shoot me an email here!

The Story I Didn't Want to Share

The story behind the story. We all have one, but you know that. You know that the families you see in picture perfect Christmas cards aren’t actually perfect. You know that everyone, everywhere, has struggled somehow in their lives, even if they haven’t shared with you how. That beautiful woman you may envy, there is a piece of her that she wishes she could share. The funny guy you work with, who seems genuinely happy ALL the time? He does too. We all do. And that’s why I’ve decided that after five years, I am finally ready to share with you one of MY behind the scene stories.

Why? You may ask. Why now? Because, sweet friend, it suddenly dawned on me that there is a phrase you need to hear—and if it’s not you who needs to hear this, I am betting you have a friend who does.

SIN DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE, BUT NEITHER DOES GRACE.

My story starts with a four word sentence:

“You look cute today.”

I was lining my students up for lunch and had grabbed my phone to put in my pocket to take with me. I stared down at that text and my heart immediately began to pound outside of my chest. It was so loud I was sure someone would be able to hear it. I’m sure I turned red. I was flustered, taken back, but more than those things, the truth is is that I was flattered. But guess what, y’all. That text didn’t come from my husband; who it would have made sense coming from. And even more truth, I wouldn’t have felt as school girlish as I did, had it been from him.

Let’s take a step back for a moment, can we? I didn’t wake up one morning, dress myself in a any particular way for work, with the mindset that a man who wasn’t my husband would compliment my appearance. That day was just like any other normal day. Except the Ashley who received that four word text wasn’t the same Ashley as before.

I got married when I was 20 (no, I wouldn’t recommend it, however YES I am thankful that I did.) In 2011 I got pregnant, in 2012 had my first baby, and then I was nursing. I started to lose drastic amounts of weight (got down to 97 pounds!), my hair started falling out in clumps, my heart rate was through the roof ALWAYS, and I was diagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis (aka hyperthyroidism and my hormones were crazy bonkers.) Well, in 2012 after having my first baby, I got pregnant with our SECOND baby! Enter the pregnancy hormones again, add on having that baby in 2013, and then going through hyperthyroidism AGAIN. Throughout that time span, I was also overstaffed to a brand new school, where I didn’t know a soul, and relationships were pretty difficult to build because of my circumstances + tired mom stage. Who was I?? I was a woman with very unbalanced hormones, a very unstable mental status, and someone who was no longer secure in the woman that she was.

And just like that, my blinders came OFF.

Growing up I knew that marriage was hard. My parents fought like most other parents, and there were plenty of times that I wondered if mine would stay married. They always worked through their issues though and it was very evident to me from a young age, that love was a choice and mine were constantly choosing it. When I was a Junior in college I discovered some pretty life-shattering information about some choices my dad had been making; and that those decisions had been pretty ongoing throughout much of their marriage. All of a sudden some light bulbs fired in my brain: one, that a bunch of stuff made sense about their fights when I was younger, and also why my mom may have been so emotionally tired. And from that day, I embedded it into my heart and brain that when or if I ever got married, it would be the man who messed up. I thought that there was NO way I would do any wrong—that if my marriage was ever challenged or when things got hard, it was going to be my husband’s fault. He would be the one who would have a wandering heart or lustful thoughts…women didn’t do those things.

And then. “You look cute today,” turned into hiding text messages, changing my stories, and becoming completely distant to everything and everyone around me. He had been a really good friend, and then somehow, he became more. He turned in to the person I was venting to, the one I was looking for compliments FROM, who I wanted to ‘look cute’ for.

And then—shit really hit the fan when I started dragging Asa right through the mud I was stirring. I felt as though I didn’t have anyone to talk to, so every single night for a few weeks, I talked with him. Out loud I actually pondered what it would look like if I left. What would life be like if I left HIM for another man? I could visibly see his hurt, and knew what I couldn’t see was even worse. But every SINGLE night, my husband said, “Ashley, I choose YOU. I will be here when you wake in the morning.” I wasn’t myself though. Each night I went to bed pretty angry…I was confused, torn, and though I couldn’t see it yet, I was playing with fire and allowing such darkness to consume my thoughts.

Life began to go thousands of miles per hour. I was blinking and sinking faster, and faster, and faster. Recently my pastor at church said, “What are you going to do when the Sea comes and the tide doesn’t stop? You can either drown…? Or you can learn how to breathe.” Oh how I remember feeling as though I was drowning…My emotional affair lasted ‘only’ a few weeks. He and I had two episodes where we were hanging out outside of work with some other co-workers, and I knew it was over when he picked me up inside of the club and asked me to make out with him. “Put me down,” I said. I then told the girls I needed to go HOME. I knew, that the ‘harmless’ flirtatious text messages were no longer really enough…that was boring. He wanted more. I soon gave him a hand-written letter, explaining that I had to stop. I couldn’t do this anymore, Asa didn’t deserve it, my babies at home didn’t deserve it. We had to stop texting, we had to just be co-workers; normal co-workers. And guess what happened? He stopped. Just like that.

Oh, Ashley. If you had JUST put a stop to it as SOON as it began…it would have NEVER turned into anything, except maybe a moment of being flattered and blushing as you walked your students to lunch.

The flirting stopped, but the emotional distress didn’t. I started running. I would run through sketchy parts of downtown Louisville thinking that I was invincible; but at the same time, wondering if anything would happen to me. Or maybe I was hoping it would. I began struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, and even more, wanting to run completely away. I called my mom quite a bit, which was normal. I told her that I wanted to be done; that sometimes I envisioned myself just driving away and never coming back. I even wondered what would happen if I got into a car accident. I felt like I needed to be punished. I wasn’t suicidal, but at the same time, I wanted everything to just be over. I couldn’t see past the tide; the waves were so deep, and so strong. You probably know what those waves actually were:

• Shame

• Guilt

• Self-hatred

• Embarrassment

How could my husband love me through this? The turning point for me was a Sunday at church. I heard the Pastor quote the scripture, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide…” The words Asa had been saying every single night were now the words I heard literally from the pulpit, and it felt as though God himself was saying, “Ashley, you did not choose me, BUT I CHOOSE YOU.” You can probably imagine the tears that flooded from that point. It was the pivotal moment, my break through; the reprieve I needed to feel whole again. Once at home, Asa and I got the kids [then babies!] down for their long nap. We sat on the couch together, me in his lap curled into the smallest ball, and we wept. Long and hard, we sobbed together. ALL of it came out. The 100% truth, no cover-ups, no sugar-coating…I felt so bare and incredibly raw. Never in my life have I felt so much remorse, and never before had Asa’s arms felt so healing.

Friends. If there is something that I hope and pray you take away from this story; this heart breaking, difficult, vulnerable story—is that while sin does not discriminate, NEITHER DOES GRACE.

That Ashley back in 2014 had to go through something I really don’t wish upon anyone, but she was restored. Through the hardships that Asa and I endured, we went through a refinement process, and through it was grace, redemption, and complete restoration. Twenty-year old Ashley believed she could do no wrong in her marriage; that it would never be ME who caused heartache for my husband. And she was so very wrong. But thirty-one year old Ashley now knows, knows that it is SO important to cling to my Maker. If the blinders start to come off for anything, it doesn’t have to be lust or a wandering heart, it can be ANYthing, I beg you to cling to Him too.

Asa and I had the privilege of sharing our story at Church and if you’d like to LISTEN to the live version we told together, here is the link! I do not believe that I in my heart wanted to be with someone else relationally. I believe that suddenly I felt trapped within the label of wife + mom. I didn’t feel attractive, I didn’t feel happy, and I didn’t feel like ME. Years of unbalanced hormones and even the physical toll that my body went through, my heart began to wander. I thank God SO immensely, for helping my husband stay with me. For being patient, loving, and so forgiving. I also thank Him for my mom, who had ultimately been in Asa’s position for a very long time, and that she also showed me what grace and mercy looks like in HER marriage. She and my dad are very different people today, in amazing and humbling ways. And it’s all because when the tide came and refused to back down, they learned to breathe with it. (That’s their own story though, so I really only want to stress how proud I am of THEM, and how much I deeply love their marriage.) To those of you reading this, if you have been there, you CAN rise again. If you are currently battling the feelings of shame and wondering how you can ever find normalcy again, pray. Talk to God, tell Him every single thing that you are feeling, and then find help. You can always email me, always! You do not have to be alone. And if you’re on the OTHER side? Where your husband or spouse has walked through unfaithfulness, you can still email me and if you would like to talk with my husband, I can put you in touch with him.

I love you all. Thank you for reading, for YOUR grace, and your friendship here.

Marry a Man Who Can Fold Fitted Sheets (the RIGHT way)

Lately I have seen a mixture of blog posts from different authors, thanking their husband’s for being the men that they are. (Way to go, Ladies. I really believe our men deserve SO much more credit than they are often given!) I actually sent one to my husband, but in that woman’s list, I kept thinking, “That doesn’t REALLY sound like me.” Because it wasn’t, obviously. Also because she thanked hers for not complaining when she’s the first to shower and uses all the hot water, and that didn’t align to our marriage ;) He makes it well known that he prefers me to shower the night before, as to NOT use up his morning hot water—haha! Love you, Babe. But really, I think there are a lot of posts on motherhood and how ‘moms do so much,’ and that is why I want to share a blurb here, with you, and for my husband. Because my husband does a LOT, and he deserves a TON of credit for helping our house be a happy home. A little side note, have you met my husband? Maybe you have seen him on my Instagram account through stories and when we have shared ‘live’ before. And many of you do probably know him personally. But if you don’t…

He is tall, dark, and handsome. No, really. He is six foot four, has Italian genetics, and he’s INCREDIBLY good looking. Some may think I married up, and I will happily admit that.

But more than those things, my husband works his butt off in every single thing that he does. And one of the things that he does the VERY best, is being Dad to our two children. He is THE most patient person I am convinced, in the whole world. While my temper is prone to show its’ ugly face in the heat of our children’s whining and bickering, he is tried and true, and CALMLY handles the situation. Another thing that he does incredibly well, is loving ME. When I met him as a nineteen year old, I know I told him about my love for horses…but did he ever really expect me to OWN not one but TWO giant Thoroughbreds, and for me to be gone OFTEN caring for them…? No, probably not. Yet here he is, supportive, encouraging, and uplifting—loving me through ALL my neurotic horse crazed moments.

So, Dear, Sweet, Handsome Hunk of a Husband…

1 . Thank you first, for choosing me. For choosing me when I have a nasty attitude, when I am moody and hormonal, when I am insecure and doubt, and when I am simply in a funk. Thank you for choosing me when I get mad and upset, when I mess up and make poor choices, and when I can’t process well what I am feeling. Thank you for choosing me in my better, my worse, and everything in between.

2.I see in you so much determination and so much strength. You have this way about you that calms me, and that boosts our families spirits. Thank you for making us laugh, for helping us shake our stinky attitudes, and for being such a light to us and others.

3. If I didn’t have you, I would either a.) starve, because I’d eat incredibly small meals and/or skip food entirely or 2.) I would be incredibly unhealthy because my main meals would be Doritos, Mac n’ Cheese, and Cookie Crisp. Thank you for cooking for our family. For coming up with weekly menus, and doing the planning, grocery shopping, and meal prepping. Now that I type that out, I do believe all the women reading this will officially hate me for how great you are, but haters are gonna hate. Thanks for loving me even though I do NOT do those things.

4. Often I am irrational, neurotic, and don’t think the highest of myself. How many times have I pointed out my face wrinkles (or pimples) with dislike, and how many have you reassured me that you think that I am beautiful. Thank you for loving me through my insecurities. For wanting to be intimate with me, and for reminding me that you want ME. No one else. I feel comfortable and at ease with you. Maybe with other people I would feel like hiding my stomach wrinkles or be super aware of that loose skin; but not with you. Thank you for loving my mom body :)

5. You are patient and kind. Our children ADORE YOU, and you are such a hero in their (and my) eyes. The way our son looks up to you, wanting to be just like dad…there is a reason. It is because you embody the best qualities. You are showing them what it MEANS to be a father and a husband. You are showing our boy how he will someday need to care for his future wife, and how HE can be an amazing father to his own children. You show our daughter what it looks like to be loved, respected, and empowered. You verbally believe in me, and within that she sees how her future husband should believe and celebrate HER. I don’t think she will ever question if she is loved, and that quality is going to largely be because of you. Thank you. For being their role model and my dearest friend.

6. You make sure EVERYONE is taken care of, always. You plate the kids food and mine, before getting your own. You draw me bubble baths and provide space for me when I need it. You play basketball with our son even when you may be too tired. You wrestle our daughter because she LIVES for that, and you take her on dates, which mean the world to her. (“Can we go to El Nopal though?” ;)]

7. I tend to panic. You stay calm. I worry and wonder. You stay grounded and trust. I am worst case scenario when anxiety strikes. You are, ‘how can we fix this?’ I am insecure and question love. You are my favorite arms and safest hug. Thank you, for being all of this and more.

8. You fold our fitted sheets just like my mom. Which basically means you fold them perfectly. This will never cease to amaze me, and I am convinced if I didn’t have you, I would either not own fitted sheets, or they would just be wadded up when put away. Bless you for being the manly homemaker that you are. (Seriously though.)

9. You not only listen to my dreams, you ask how we can make them a reality. Because of you, the future is never scary, it is thrilling. I cannot wait to do life with you—forever.

10. Husband, you are such a help. In so many ways. And you always have been. When I needed you in the middle of the night as I nursed our babies, you were there. You were my rock during pregnancy, birth, and still to this day while they are now five and six. You help me do dishes, fold laundry, clean, sort, organize, de-clutter, take pictures, style for social media, come up with words when I seem to lose mine. Your heart is big, you love SO deeply, and I am just completely, absolutely, without a doubt in love with you.

Love,

Yours Truly
aka the girl who would be lost (and very unhealthy) without you